when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
definitely not taking the whole return culture shock so well...drinking a 100 proof rootbeer vodka float out of a german beer mass
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
Randomize
