I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
We did it in the bar bathroom and the bathroom attendant sold us a condom. I love Nashville
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
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