I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
i now know from two sources i am better at making out and giving head than she is. and not by a little either.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
He's easy on the eyes, light on his feet, and rough in bed...what more could a girl ask for in a rebound?
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
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