I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
Randomize
