I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
Dignity is for republicans.
Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
Also, the drinking age in Japan is 20. At what point in the sky am I allowed to start downing alcohol?
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
Randomize
