fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
well, if it gives you any insight into how crazy it was, i am currently wikipediaing "anullment"
he told me I talked like a deaf person
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
holy shit thats the most artistic dick pic ever
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
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