last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
I sure hope so...I wonder if he could tell in that email that I'm really good at blow jobs. Hopefully he heard that tone. Any means necessary.
Randomize
