Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
Less talking, more tequila
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
Randomize
