Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
I would have done it. But then again I am a starving student who can manipulate my brain into thinking my decision was somehow morally justifiable.
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
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