i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
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