my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
