i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
just had an encounter with drunk people from out of state at dairy queen. they wanted to stay till march to see the high school play.
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Randomize
