First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Question: should I be considering heels or is this the kind of night where I should plan on falling on my face regardless of my choice of footwear?
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
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