I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
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