Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
Randomize
