i just puked in front of my entire floor a girl on crutches asked iof i needed help hahaaa fuck ima damn fool
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
Randomize
