Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
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