could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
momentary stint on a second floor library computer...guy next to me snorted blue adderall off his notebook through a cut straw, i cant tell if this guy is my hero or just plain crazy...
Randomize
