how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
Randomize
