The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
Disgusting. If I saw her naked my dick would pack up his balls and leave.
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
well I think it'll pretty much be gone by Saturday. On a scale of 1- Snooki's unborn child how much do periods freak you out?
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
