someone get that fucking seahorse.
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
At least is you came to Milwaukee to visit me you'd get the best mind blowing sex of your life and free wifi. Who doesn't want free wifi!
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
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