oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
thats it. im googling how to make you boobs smaller. this is getting out of control.
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
