ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Randomize
