i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
I think him and kristen are pretty serious now.. I dont think he cheats on her, anymore.
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
Randomize
