Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Randomize
