Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
