I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
i've created a new STD.
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
Randomize
