Your mouth is God's brothel.
dude, that girl smelled worse than the great depression.
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
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