dude, she has braces
i meant the dude w the ponytail.
i was less creeped out when i thought you were talking about the 14 y.o.
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
Randomize
