I think im going to throw up on grandma
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
Bacardi 151 is like a past nightmare I'm still curious about
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
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