You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
I remember nothing of last night, but I did manage to figure out which frats I went to by the trails of straw across campus.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
Randomize
