she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
Dude they have ski ball. Anywhere that has skiball is bound to be bangin.
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
I didn't notice because vodka
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
Randomize
