I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
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