I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
i get of class at 4. it takes me 17 minutes to walk home and 3 to load a bowl. thank you, priority registration.
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
Randomize
