apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
He asked me if I "almost moaned"
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
There are about 5 pictures of my dog taking a dump on my camera and 20 of Brandon taking one for "comparison" reasons.
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
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