I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
Do the low cut shirt test. If he stares at your tits even in front of your brother, he's down.
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
Randomize
