maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
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