the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
Randomize
