OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
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