I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
Under no circumstances is tits McGee to make that kind of decision about my life!
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
Randomize
