I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
Randomize
