Will you blow on my dice?
Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
but he gave me mouthwash after the bj. no ones ever done that for me before.
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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