Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
Randomize
