I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
This is not okay. I only like one boy. I should like 200 boys and be having wild unprecedented sex. Instead I like one boy whose a born again virgin.
Randomize
