I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
Randomize
