my vag is so smooth its legendary
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
