After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
I'm at about main and main street
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
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