I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
