Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
Cleveland boys shit in their own pumpkins in their own living room. Got pictures to prove it.
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
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