remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
Randomize
